Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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