if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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