mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
