DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
