just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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