can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
