absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
