you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
