At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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