Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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