I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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