We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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