I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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