Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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