we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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