That's intense
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
