an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
