they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
