On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize