We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
her facebook's as public as her vagina
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
