Sry I called you an 8
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
