I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
