I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
