your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
