I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
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you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
how drunk are you?
Several
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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