My liver just broke up with me...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
