The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
