I will die if light touches me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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