I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
