you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
