My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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