The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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