im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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