12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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