My Higher Power is John Stamos
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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