We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
