Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
third nipple confirmed
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
