um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
