If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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