I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
