So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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