So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
