Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
