He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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