Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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