Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
