Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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