I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
