I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
