I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
farters have to be the big spoon...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
