If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
