Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
