I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
