You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Randomize
