I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize