as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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