Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
