meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
