I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
