When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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