i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
and she was petting her beer can
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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